The wait for an England Men’s major tournament victory goes on, and will likely continue on through the winter of discontent in Qatar. So what can you do with no recent major tournament victories to celebrate? Why, celebrate a minor tournament victory instead! Hurrah for Le Tournoi!
Much like the Umbro Cup 2 years previously, when England were rowing painfully in the competition-free doldrums leading up to Euro ’96, France tried to stir the competitive pot with a meaningless friendly tournament of their own. Le Tournoide France, translating as “Tournament of France” (maybe they had help from the minds behind the 1991 England Challenge Cup), featured England, France, Italy and Brazil.
4th June, 1997 – England vs Italy
The first set of highlights I found had “My Immortal” by Evanesence as the soundtrack. Yes, we all feel the loss of not having Le Tournoi in our lives anymore, but is the pain that deep? Anyway, it’s a bit of a thrown together England team, courtesy of the good people at eu-football.info:
Where’s Nigel Clough when you need him? Scholes picks up the ball just outside the centre circle in the England half. He spots Ian Wright making a run in behind the Italian defence and clips an excellent long pass over the top for Wright to run on to. It bounces once and Wrighty lashes it into the corner for the opening goal. Simple yet elegant. Graham Taylor approves.
Wright is played in down the left channel. He plays it low into the box and finds Scholes, who hits it first time on his left past a statuesque Peruzzi. Clincal finish.
Shame the Wright/Scholes combo didn’t get more traction, there was the beginning of something there, but their careers just didn’t overlap enough. Still, it all turned out…eh…alright? Is going out on penalties the following year “alright”? Eh.
So, with 48 days to go, let’s review England’s 4th highest scorer of all time with 48 goals. But, for brevity’s sake, let’s just look at the final 9 goals.
Goal 40: 25 May, 1991 – England vs Argentina, 1991 England Challenge Cup
An idea conceived of before the FA had a dedicated marketing department, can be the only explanation I can think of for the most middle-aged white man sounding tournament in history.
A young David Batty winning his first England cap is featured in the pre-match line-up chat by Motson. He gets fouled by an also-young Diego Simeone in a weird precursor of France ’98-related shenangians. The subsequent free-kick, just inside England’s half, is taken by Stuart Pearce and it’s a long ball into the penalty area. It hangs for an age before landing on a somehow unmarked Lineker’s head 8 yards out, who executes a diving, glancing header beyond the keeper to open the scoring. It’s tremendously simple stuff, but a very well taken goal nonetheless.
Goal 41: 3 June, 1991 – New Zealand vs England, Friendly
There’s a real feeling that the 1991 shorts were left behind when the team flew out on tour, and all they could find were the 1985 shorts, such is the level of budgie-smuggling going on here. Also, there’s a beautiful athletics track surrounding the pitch/grass hill with spectators on behind the goal combo, that you just don’t see enough of in high-level internationals these days.
Dennis Wise misses a chance and then trudges back looking every inch the scolded child. John Salako hits the bar. Earl Barrett! It’s the 93rd minute and Motson and Brooking have given up. But wait! Paul Parker puts in a low cross and Lineker steals in ahead of the keeper to flick it home. Motson says, “It all seemed lost…the chance of a win, that is.” Well, drawing with New Zealand feels like a loss.
Goals 42-45: 12 June 1991 – Malaysia vs England, Friendly
Must be one of the last outings of the “Commentator on the phone” trope before the technology took over.
England have a free kick in the first minute. Its swung in but partially cleared, eventually coming to Geoff Thomas, who feeds a simple ball to Lineker, who then rifles home with his left foot.
Pearce loops in a corner. Mark Wright flicks it on and Lineker stabs it home from about 2 yards. Easy.
There’s a calamitous attempt to play it out from the back that gets intercepted by Geoff Thomas, who again plays a simple pass to Lineker, but the shot from the edge of the box is parried. It falls to David Platt on the right, who chips it into the near post for Lineker to head home.
Platt misses from 15 yards with a spectacular bicycle kick. Pearce’s cross misses Platt’s head in the box but runs on to John Salako. The keeper rushes out and it’s the simplest job for Salako to chip it in and Lineker heads into an empty net.
46: 13 November 1991 – Poland vs England, Euro ’92 qualifier
A crucial qualifier and a hostile environment in Poznan. Andy Gray (not that one) misses a great chance. Barry McGuigan opens the scoring for Poland. Geoff Thomas misses a great chance to equalise. Poland are denied a stonewall penalty when Chris Woods brings down the Polish chap who beats him to the ball. VAR is weeping at that one. I wonder if there’s some Polish blogger ranting about this? Godspeed, my friend.
Rocastle swings in a corner. It’s headed down by Gary Mabbutt, and Lineker volleys it on the turn into the top corner. Brilliant goal!
47: 19 February 1992 – England vs France, Friendly
“Alan Shearer of Southampton” scores on his debut. Geoff Thomas with that miss. In what feels like an inter-generational singularity, Shearer crosses for Nigel Clough, whose shot is parried, only for Lineker to head home at the 2nd attempt. Persistence pays off.
48: 29 April 1992 – CIS vs England, Friendly
Martin Tyler proves my earlier prediction wrong by phoning it in from Moscow for Sky Sports. Tony Daley battles down the right, swings one in and Lineker heads home. Routine as you like. “Surely Bobby Charlton’s mark will fall to him,” observes Tyler. Surely.
Not 49: 17 May 1992 – England vs Brazil, Friendly
Oh, Gary!
Today’s feeling: Out in the groups. Harry Kane retires from international football on 52 goals after trying to head in a penalty vs Iran.
Knowledge is knowing who the first player to score 100 away goals in the Premier League is. Wisdom is knowing that stats like that are pretty meaningless.
Not that I’m thing to minimise Harry Kane’s “achievement”, but does it really mean anything more n what we already know: that he scores lots of goals and is a great player?
Just a reminder to myself to get annoyed when your Mowbrays and your Matterfaces are droning on about some equivalent bollocks like Kieran Trippier being the leading scorer in England games played on a Thursday afternoon in Asia.
World Cup Group B participants as Neighbours characters.
England – Paul Robinson. A long history of terrorising the neighbourhood, arson, theft, murder, and general pig headedness means he’s almost universally hated by everyone. Massive amounts of stolen wealth and illegal dealings, but capable of beating anyone on his day, despite the loss of a leg.
USA – Joe Scully. Clearly harbouring plans for world domination, perhaps lacking the finesse required to go all the way and win the damn thing. Leaves the group under a cloud due to a “misunderstanding” with other teams (I.e. they’re a bit shite)
Wales – Kim Timmins. Rarely seen on the big stage, probably won’t be back for a long time.
Iran – Harold Bishop. Religious fanatic, convenient amnesia about his secular past, generally unlikely to cause trouble for anyone in the group but might still be planning to kill you.
Today’s feeling: A serious case of “out in the groups-itis”. I’m off to see Dr Karl.
Eeeeeveryone remembers the Koeman foul, followed by the no penalty, the yellow card, and then Koeman scoring the bloody free kick at the other end. Everything else though? Not a scooby. For me anyway. Let’s go back to October 1993…
The experience of Paul Parker is preferred to Rob Jones, who’d won a quarter of his eventual 8 caps by this point. Stuart Pearce is injured so Tony Dorigo replaces him. Paul Merson plays as a striker instead of Ian Wright. Ok then. I think it’s fair to say this team is a little…unbalanced.
Shit the bed, lads. We’re fucked!
Dorigo’s receding, curly mullet is an absolute joy, and I’d probably have picked him all the time just for that reason. 6 minutes gone, and as Overmars glides to the byline, Brian Moore informs us that “Overmars goes past him again.” 6 minutes in! Lee Sharpe, can you track the fuck back please? The cut back finds Bryan Roy, who touches deftly back to Bergkamp, but he blazes it over. Warning signs.
Some pretty slapdash build up in midfield, with 2 obvious handballs missed by the ref, leads to Merson playing in Platt down the right. It’s a tight angle but he hits it well and De Goey turns it behind for a corner.
Merson turns De Wolf brilliantly down the left, leaving his glorious mullet swishing in the breeze. He cuts inside and shoots just wide. Should have laid it off to Shearer who had made a run into the box.
Ince makes a surging run forward, playing a 1-2 with Alan Shearer and is subsequently clobbered by Ronald Koeman. He’s pretty fucking late, he’s jumping off the ground and knees Ince in the back, but it’s not a yellow card apparently. Still, free kick in a good position.
Here comes Tony Dorigo. SHIT! Hits the post. Slight deflection off Tony Adams, but so close! You can hear Ron Atkinson start to shout “YEAA-” but he cuts himself off when it doesn’t go in.
Dorigo hits a massive up and under into the box. Merson flicks it on to Platt, who finds Tony Adams in space in the box. His first touch isn’t brilliant, but he hits a beautiful deft chip over the onrushing De Goey, only to see his shot cleared off the line. ARGH! Great effort from Big Tone. England have been in the ascendancy since that Bergkamp chance.
Roy is giving Parker a torrid time down Holland’s left flank. He twists and turns and eventually puts in a cross to Bergkamp, who again blazes over from 15 yards, though this was a much more difficult chance than the first one.
The ball’s played in from Holland’s left flank, Rijkaard steals in and tucks it away. But no! Offside flag is up. Let’s do some 29 years late VAR…
Jeeeeesus. Just the 4 yards onside? Fucking hell! “He wasn’t offisde,” says Ron Atkinson. As Rijkaard jogs back, you briefly see Tony Adams applauding the linesman for getting it “right”.
Half time: Netherlands 0-0 England. Looked like a mismatch on paper, but England have had their chances.
Platt gives it away just inside the Dutch half with a terribly undercooked pass, and suddenly it’s 4 on 4. Bergkamp strides forward with it, but hits a rather tame shot at Seaman, who probably should have held it but puts it behind for a corner.
Ok, here we go. Expectedly direct stuff from this England. Adams intercepts it, plays a ball forward to Shearer, who flicks it wide right for Sinton, who just lumps it high and forward. The Dutch line is so high, and De Goey wants nothing to do with it, so it just hangs in the air for ages. Koeman can’t run, he’s the last man and Platt gets there first…
“That’s got to be a penalty! Penalty given!” says Brian Moore. Yes! Get in.
And here’s the ref running into the box to give the penalty. His decision is final, remember.
Bollocks! Overturned by the linesman. Well, fair enough, I think it was just outside the box. But don’t worry, Shearer’s there to helpfully remind the ref what colour card he needs, just in case he’s forgotten. It’s red, ref, red is the colour.
Oh, fuck off. FUCK OFF. Fuck off you absolute fuck. “He’s through, with a clear goalscoring opportunity. Red card! He’s given a yellow.” Even the unflappably balanced and neutral Brian Moore can’t hide his absolute disdain for this fucking shit shower of a referee, who has fucking bottled it.
You’re right Didier, you’re absolutely right.
Dick Advocaat. Dick Bomboclaat more like. Dorigo’s subsequent free kick is charged down from about 3 yards away by an encroaching Dutch player, but obviously, no-one cares. Least of all the ref. Moore calms down quickly and remembers Rijkaard’s offside goal from the first half that should have stood. Yes, well, shut up Brian.
Having received tacit permission from the ref that they can now do whatever the fuck they want, Erwin Koeman actually tries to kill Paul Parker with this “challenge”, which is beyond late and actually, truly fucking horrendous.
“Knees? Where we’re going, you won’t need KNEES!”
Some nice build up play sees Wouters breaking between the centre backs. Pallister slides in and brings him down right on the edge of the box. Adams was there covering and it’s a stupid challenge.
The Dutch fans having the gall to ask for a red card after the Koeman travesty, I don’t know. And yeah, who hasn’t been to a football match in full blackface. What the fuck?
Koeman’s taking the free kick, because of course he fucking is.
And it’s blocked by Ince! Haaa! Fuck you, shithead.
Ah, what’s this now? Ince is booked for encroaching. Well, at least he’s consistent. What’s that?
Oh, just the Dutch player doing exactly the same thing THREE FUCKING MINUTES earlier, for which nothing was given, NOTHING? Bra-fucking-vo you absolute fucking cretin, ref.
Well fucking bollocks and bullshit and bollocks and fuck you, ref. Fuck. After saying, “And it’s in!”, Moore is silent for what feels like an eternity, letting the England fans stew and curse in whichever freestyle manner they choose, because what can you fucking say about it? Other than fuck. FUCK. FUUUUUUCK.
And just moments later, we’ve got a free kick about 30 yards out. I think Dorigo’s had enough goes, so it’s Merson’s turn.
Hits the fucking post again! ARRRRRGH. Twice now. For fuck’s sake! Brilliant free kick. So close.
Some excellent build up play from the Dutch in the final third, lovely one touch stuff, and it comes to Bergkamp, who looks to place what would become one of his trademark curlers in the bottom corner. Seaman saves superbly, and then is up in a flash to make another fantastic stop from Rijkaard. Brilliant double save.
Ian Wright is ready to come on. Meanwhile, Dorigo has another long range pop, this time fizzing it just wide.
Well would you believe it. After all their brilliant technical build up play that amounted to nothing, the Dutch 2nd goal is the most route one, Graham Taylor would be proud of it goal of the entire qualifying campaign. Fitting in a way, England must have practiced this in training a million times, goal kick, flick on, striker shoots, boom. I don’t think it’s Bergkamp’s best finish, and just one minute after his sterling efforts, Seaman will be royally fucked off that he couldn’t stop this one, creeping in low to his left hand side. On the replay, you can see he’s totally wrong footed, expecting Bergkamp to go for the far corner. Goddamn.
Rijkaard has a chance to put a Miscarriage of Justice cherry on our Absolute Travesty cake, but slides it just wide.
Full time: Netherlands 2-0 England. Fucking hell. I’m seething and it’s ancient history. Graham Taylor is dead and I bet he’s STILL fuming about this.
Graham is angry. ANGRY. And rightly so.
Rest in peace, mate.
On balance, the Netherlands were a much better footballing side than Taylor’s England, and I doubt the neutrals would have been glad to see us at USA ’94 instead of the Dutch. But fucking hell, this ref. One of the all-time shittest reffing performances, surely. Fucking fuck.
Today’s feeling: Out in the groups, thanks to some terrible refereeing.
Sample this disaster of a refereeing performance here:
With the adrenaline rush of a glorified friendly draw against Germany now finally wearing off, those of us who question Harry Maguire’s inclusion in England’s World Cup starting XI must now answer the question: who, then? Let’s look at the potential options.
Tony Adams: Age: 55, Caps: 66, Goals: 5
Lack of pace shouldn’t be a big problem, since he was never the quickest and relied on the famous Arsenal offside trap to get him out of trouble. Last seen stumbling across the ballroom at Elstree Studios. 30YS rating: A
Andy Linighan: Age: 60, England B Caps: 4
Again, mobility was never Linighan’s MO, and really, if any England team is going to pick him, it’s going to be the one playing a low block a la Southgate. Last seen plumbing in Hertfordshire. 30YS rating: B-
Chris Sutton: Age 49: Caps: 1
Though more well known as a striker, his original incarnation as a defender was remembered well enough to label him as a “D/S C” on CM9798. Plus, the ability to play in different positions will be an attractive option to Southgate when we’re chasing the game against Wales on November 29. All of this, of course, comes with the added bonus of getting his moaning arse out of the 5 live studio and away from my delicate ears. 30YS rating: A+
Steve Bruce: Age: 61, England B Caps: 1
Cruelly overlooked in his prime by Bobby Robson in favour of other, better defenders, the “uncapped cabbage” as he isn’t known could still force his way into Southgate’s plans. Last seen playing 4-4-2 at the Hawthorns and being the first manager in charge of 1,000 excruciatingly turgid football matches. 30YS rating: C
Andy Thorn: Age: 55, England U21 caps: 5
An experienced defender in teams that defended a lot, which would suit Southgate’s England. Really only included so he can come on as a sub and they can play “Thorn in your eye” by Anthrax as his entrance music. Last seen briefly managing Kidderminster. 30YS rating: C+
Harry Kane: Age: 29, Caps: 75, Goals: 51
Whilst some would consider it a bold and unusual move to put your most prolific striker into central defence, Kane’s game has seen him dropping a lot deeper over the years, so it’s really only the next logical step for him to fully assume defensive responsibilties. We also know he’s good at defending, attacking and taking corners for England, which are really the three key components of any defender’s game. Last seen warming up for his metatarsal injury in the NLD by smashing home a penalty against Germany. 30YS rating: A*
Conclusion: With a central defensive pairing of Chris Sutton and Harry Kane, England will rightly be favourites for the tournament.
Kane Photo by Кирилл Венедиктов, Sutton photo by Jonesy702, both from Wikipedia used under CC 3.0 licence.
I saw a great tweet from Tony Evans yesterday, talking about about a hypothetical injury to Harry Kane:
Back to football for a moment. Given Southgate did not offer any playing time to Toney and Abraham, when do we reckon Kane picks up THAT injury? In the north London derby (allowing him to go to Qatar at about 40%) or in early November?
I feel like it’s been a while since we had the “injury to a key player in the build up to a major tournament” narrative to contend with. In 2002, it was David Beckham. Ever the trend setter, it felt like he was the player to really bring the broken metatarsal into the mainstream, suffering the injury in April 2002 ahead of the World Cup in Japan & South Korea. Installed as captain by Peter Taylor after the resignation of Kevin Keegan, Beckham hadn’t played any club football at all following the injury, and if I remember rightly, there was a great deal of media discussion surrounding his inclusion in the squad. It kind of worked out for him; he completed his ’98-’02 redemption arc with the winning penalty against Argentina in the groups, though he was nowhere near his best and England succumbed to 10-man Brazil in the quarters.
Wayne Rooney followed suit 4 years later, also breaking his metatarsal in April 2006. Still only 20 at the time and coming off an amazing debut tournament at the Euros in 2004, he had become the beacon of hope for a nation starting to wonder if the “golden generation” was really capable of achieving anything. Like Beckham, he was clearly unfit, and the frustration of the whole situation was probably a huge factor in his red card in the quarter final. If only Sven had had the guts to play Walcott; an unknown and fearless Theo just might have been the key. Instead, Michael Owen’s knee exploded, Rooney huffed and puffed and we ended up just lumping it up to Peter Crouch. Golden Generation. Jesus Christ.
So, cometh the hour, cometh the man. A North London Derby, Granit Xhaka on the other side long overdue a red card. Less than two months to go until the start of the tournament. What was once football’s must-have injury has been waiting in the wings too long. My only hope is that by talking about it with such certainty, I can jinx it in to not happening…
Todays feeling: An unfit Harry Kane lumbers around while Tammy Abraham sits bored on the sidelines as we go out in the group.
The fickle-ometer was dropping and peaking for all its worth during last night’s 3-3 draw with Germany. Aside from a 3-minute spell during the first half and up to the 67th minute when Foden and Sterling were replaced, England were back to their insipid worst, ponderous on the ball, drained of confidence, and showing precious little attacking intent aside from some half-hearted notions about counterattacking. The feeling that we were on the cusp of major tournament humiliation on the scale of Euro ’88 and Euro 2000 was palpable.
But then, the substitutions. Sterling, who improved slightly from a real shocker against Italy, had squandered good chances to score and set up Kane, and Foden, who ran around a lot and took some corners, went off. On came Saka and Mount. Saka, played out of position and looking all at sea against Italy, played as a right sided attacker here and looked like his Arsenal self, offered purposeful dribbling and a constant attacking threat. Mount, played nominally on the left, but like Saka, showed excellent attacking intent, none more so encapsulated than by a superbly taken equaliser. It felt like the tide had shifted, suddenly we had momentum and confidence, players we know that are capable of great things looked like playing to their potential instead of being spooked by their own shadow. An England team forced to take the initiative feels like the England team we all hope for at kick off, but time and again, doesn’t materialize in the big games.
Crucially, game-state has a huge influence on how the subs and the subbed off players shape the game. Perhaps it’s slightly unfair to be critical of Sterling and Foden when they are tactically limited by what the manager allows the rest of the team to do in supporting their attacking endeavours. However, given England were able to eke out a small handful of decent chances – none of which were taken – it suggests that for a gameplan that relies on exploiting the thinnest of margins, the personnel involved are incorrect.
None more so are razor thin margins of error more ruthlessly taken advantage of than by high level international teams against back lines who aren’t quite at it. Maguire, looking unfit, immobile and uncomfortable for 180 minutes against two decent enough sides, cannot be expected to excel given his current state of fitness and confidence. Nick Pope, usually a good shot stopper but with all the footwork skills that comfortably place him in the “bad touch for a big man” bracket, can no longer be reasonably considered England’s #2 goalkeeper. If the distribution and technique alone isn’t enough to convince you, spilling a routine save out for Havertz to gift the Germans the easiest possible equaliser should be.
As evidenced by the Euro 2020 final, Southgate does not trust himself or his team to be brave in the biggest moments. Hemmed into their own half by a pair of centre backs with a combined age of 71, only once with the game at 1-1 were England able to get in behind, at which point Chiellini knew his race was run and cynically hauled down Saka. Having seen the potential path to victory, it never felt like Southgate was interested in pursuing it, only continuing with his “Game Management as a Service” (GaaS) tactic, in which only the low risk, low reward percentages are played.
A cold, hard dedication to a percentage game, coupled with unerring loyalty to players who are not performing, is not conducive to major tournament victories. Even in better times, collective momentum is not enough to hide the weaknesses of those players who are not performing. Never has there been a more important or obvious moment for Southgate to ditch the habit of lifetime and stop playing his favourites. But it seems unthinkable for a man so set in his ways to change now.
Today’s feeling: Glass half full. Out in the group stage but we win 1 game.
New season, and isn’t great to have fans back? I know we keep saying it, but isn’t it great? Great to have the fans back, it’s great. Haven’t you missed fans? Isn’t it great to have them back? Anyway here’s a few thoughts on some of the 5 live broadcast team.
John Murray: For me, the best commentator around. One of the very few of the modern-era that isn’t trying to get himself over, but is confident in his own voice and style and brings everything to life perfectly. Amiable and friendly, without degenerating too far into bantz~! mode. Happily slides up and down the friendliness scale between “cordial” and “chummy” depending on who he’s working with.
Michael Brown: Seems to immediately lose track of what he’s saying immediately after he starts speaking. Waffles on for hours without really making a point about anything. Speaks entirely in rote-learned soundbites that often contradict each other. Does the Alan Smith extendy-voice-growl thing when describing something, e.g. “He gets the ball, and driiiives into the box.” Doesn’t seem to understand anything about anything, but enjoys games with lots of fouling.
Alistair Bruce-Ball: Here are the teams, A. Player left out, I wonder how that’ll affect your fantasy football team? B. Player hasn’t scored for 4 games, have you taken him out of your fantasy football team? The referee today is C. Unit, he’s usually good when you’ve got D. Player as captain in your fantasy football team. Oh, there’s been two goals and a red card in the time I’ve been talking about fantasy football, hopefully they’ll be good news for your fantasy football team, let me just find out who was involved…
Clinton Morrison: An enjoyable ex-pro perspective. Good chemistry with most of the lads, especially Murray and Steve Crossman. Comparatively sane and stoic against the likes of Savage and Sutton. Ends 70% of his sentences with “at this precise moment”, which sounds like it should be annoying but isn’t because he’s too endearing.
Conor McNamara: Bit too obviously a Man Utd fan for my liking. Tries a bit too hard to be eloquent for no reason and it makes some passages of play sound a bit choppy. Does the thing where he’ll hand over to the analyst by saying their full name to end a sentence, which makes it sound like he’s trying to drop them in it for something. “Chance wasted by Nicolas Pepe there, and two packets of hobnobs have gone missing from the kitchen, Mark Lawrenson.” [RADIO GLARING]
Karen Carney: Knows her shit. Good analysis of matches and avoids the shock-jock wankery of some of her peers. Sent football twitter into meltdown by opining that the COVID-enforced break of the 2019-20 season might have benefitted Leeds promotion bid. (I mean, is it that unreasonable an opinion)? Social media target because she’s a woman covering football and it makes certain men feel very threatened. Seems to hate Arsenal 🙁
Alistair Bruce-Ball: I actually quite like him, he’s good at quickly describing the action but in a way that doesn’t feel rushed.
Chris Sutton: A man who is very much tired of London. Everything is marginally disappointing in his eyes. Constantly mardy with everyone and everything, though his description of Turkey’s “wall of meat” during the Euros was amusing. Doesn’t seem to enjoy anything about modern football apart from when strikers get away with fouling people. Has carved out a broadcasting niche as “The Angry Alan Partridge of football” but without most of the humour and all of the cringe (wall of meat notwithstanding).
Robbie Savage: Plays up to the fact that everyone thinks he’s a bit of a knob, but his in-match analysis is usually pretty good (apart from during Wales games). Used to do that thing where he’d say “Listen,” before trying to make a point, except he’d use it at the beginning of every sentence so it sounded like his co-presenters keep drifting off when he’s talking.
Ian Dennis: The quintessential radio “safe pair of hands”, he’s good at what he does and makes everything an enjoyable listen. Also, there’s the Bono incident…
Welcome back to the dugout. Part 1 is here, part 2 is here. A quick reminder of where we’re at in the league with 14 games to go:
It’s a trip to Villa Park to get us underway. We’re still trying to find a way to cope without star CB Slaven Bilic. Bruce has the 2nd best average of all my CBs, but I’m concerned his 37-year-old legs might be starting to slow a bit. Unfortunately, the alternatives are all even older (Bielsa, Allardyce, Hodgson) or not quite Premier League standard (Moyes, Smith). Actually, Klopp is there, but he hasn’t set the world alight when he’s played. We’ll stick with Cribbins for now with a view to phasing in Klopp if we start leaking goals.
We’re on top throughout. Lampard wasn’t playing well so subbed him off for Jose and put him behind the strikers with Arteta moving to MC, and the special one does the business. Bruce gets a 9 and Villa have 1 shot in the whole game. Good work, Steve, never doubted you.
Away to Newcastle. Wor Alan is back from his torn knee ligaments and has got 2 in 2. They’re 1 point behind us with a game in hand so this is a bit of a crunch game. We’ll stick with the same team that saw off Villa, and hope that Newcastle are bit tired from the League Cup semi-final in the midweek.
Not our day at all. Nuno is struggling with an arm injury after 5 minutes. Newcastle create lots of chances but only get 3 on target, so I think leaving Nuno on with his bad arm was the wrong call. Given clatters Mourinho after 82 minutes but no penalty. “Unbelievable” indeed. Where’s VAR when you need it?
Someone must have told him what I said about him not being good enough earlier. Ok Dave, if you must.
Bolton up next. Pegguy Arphexad makes his debut as Nuno’s still out feeling a bit wristy. Lampard’s in poor form so he drops to the bench. Jose comes in behind the strikers and Arteta plays centre mid. Vialli’s form has been slightly patchy so we’ll go back to OGS and Handsome Ralph up front.
Good stuff. Bolton score with their only shot on target, but OGS is back in form, and had a 3rd ruled out for offside. Handsome Ralph seals the win.
Next to visit The Dugout are Wimbledon. Nuno’s back from his injury, so that’ll be the only change from the win against Bolton.
Very nice. Jose never seems to play well (avg 6.91), but that’s his 9th goal of the season. Looks like him and OGS have put aside their differences for the benefit of the team, and it’s really clicking for us at the moment.
Just a reminder of the team & tactics ahead of our trip to Everton. We’ll keep the same team that’s won the last 2.
The Manager train keeps rollin’. It’s a fairly dull, fairly even affair, but we do enough to get the win. Jose scores again and Pep bags his 3rd of the season. Newcastle and Derby both don’t play this weekend, so we’re up 3rd in the table in the meantime.
Next up we’re home to Spurs. No changes. Feel the rhythm. Feel the ride.
Handsome Ralph’s early goal is the difference, but it should have been 3 or 4. Ian Walker getting MOM in a losing performance tells you all you need to know.
Blackburn next. Wildcard G’s out for 2 weeks with a back strain, so Ryan Mason is our most attacking bench option. Starting XI remains the same.
It’s not pretty, but it’ll do. We limited Blackburn to a single shot all game. Brucey was MOM. Solid. Liverpool lose and we go 2nd, but all the lads immediately below have crucial games in hand:
Home to Derby. They beat us 2-1 earlier in the season, and having won their game in hand, they’re above us again in 3rd. Liverpool beat Newcastle in their game in hand so we’re back in 4th, and it feels like a crucial game if we’re to harbour (dare I say it) Champions League hopes. Derby played in the week so I’m hoping we can take advantage of their slightly tired legs.
Bah. Frustrating as anything. We don’t manage a shot on target until just before Handsome Ralph’s goal, but it’s not enough. We throw the kitchen sink at them but all the chances seem to fall to Steve Bruce and it’s a poor result.
Away to Leicester. We lost to these last time, as well. Time to attack. Arteta moves into an AMC role alongside Jose and Mr Carlo pushes into centre mid. Vialli back on the bench.
Absolutely raging. Raging. Look at this!
Get in the bloody sea, all of you. Yes, you as well, Martin O’Neill. Especially you.
CL would be a miracle now. I don’t know if 5th will get us into Europe…maybe?
Home to Saints next. It’s the Monday after the Saturday before so we need a few fresh legs. Back 3 of Big Sam, Bielsa and Wilder. Brodge-Hodgson connection in DM. Lampard in for Arteta in AM. Vialli in for Ralphy up front.
Well, that was nice. OGS was MOM (obvs) but Bielsa also rated 10. Beautiful. Liverpool beat Derby so we’re 6 points off 2nd with 4 to play. Unlikely, but Derby still have to play Arsenal and Man Utd so 3rd is maybe doable, though Newcastle still have that game in hand.
Away to Cov. We got well and truly Champo’d in the first game. They’re 16th but only a point above the drop, so plenty to play for. I’ve got some hard choices here, as it’s difficult to want to change a team that just popped 6 in.
Ok, here we go…
Dour stuff, not helped by Uncle Roy’s red card in the first half. 1 shot on target for each team in the whole game. Newcastle and Derby both lose so it’s a bit of a missed chance, but if we can get past Leeds and Man Utd do us a favour, we’ll be above them on goal difference.
Bielsa makes his Argentina debut aged 42, and it’s an emotional day all round.
Ok then Australia, showing off a bit with your “we only need 10 men”, eh?
Big Sam tears his groin stooping to pick up a pint of wine and will miss the last 3 games. Handsome Ralph and Hodgson are suspended. We switch back to 3-3-1-1-2 because I’m paranoid.
Wildcard G makes the most of his chance. Not our best performance, but good enough. Man Utd oblige us with a 1-0 win over Derby, putting us level on 67 points, but Newcastle are really good and it’s hard to see them not picking up 3 wins against Wimbledon, West Ham and Everton.
Sheff Wed next. They’re 19th but could still escape.
Damn it. We’re easily the better side, but Kevin “press gang” Pressman is in good form, keeping out 4 of our 5 shots on target, whereas they score 1 of their 2. As expected, Newcastle win their game in hand, so we need big favours from Barnsley and Everton if we’re to have any chance of sneaking 3rd place. Presuming we can get past Chelsea, who’ve got the CWC final in a few days time.
Here we go then. Mourinho’s gone off the boil badly in the last few weeks, and I know it’s Chelsea, but tough.
An infuriatingly terrible end to an otherwise fun season. We ran out of steam in the last few games, and really missed Bilic at the business end of the season where you just need that extra bit of defensive steel. It didn’t matter anyway, because Derby and Newcastle both won. Here’s the final table:
Have to be pleased with that overall, although 8 points from the final 7 games is a pitiful way to end the season. I thought we were going to struggle to make top half at one point, but they seemed to gel nicely around mid-way through, and the fact we were even in the CL conversation would have seemed ludicrous early on. Bloody Leicester.
There’s bound to be a slew of retirements in the summer, so we’ll have no choice but to bring in an influx of future/former managers to replace them. Bielsa’s off to play at France ’98, after which he’d take over the Argentine national team IRL. He actually plays every game, before going out in flames in the QF against Brazil:
France end up beating Brazil in the final. Sounds familiar…
