World Cup Group B participants as Neighbours characters.

England – Paul Robinson. A long history of terrorising the neighbourhood, arson, theft, murder, and general pig headedness means he’s almost universally hated by everyone. Massive amounts of stolen wealth and illegal dealings, but capable of beating anyone on his day, despite the loss of a leg.

USA – Joe Scully. Clearly harbouring plans for world domination, perhaps lacking the finesse required to go all the way and win the damn thing. Leaves the group under a cloud due to a “misunderstanding” with other teams (I.e. they’re a bit shite)

Wales – Kim Timmins. Rarely seen on the big stage, probably won’t be back for a long time.

Iran – Harold Bishop. Religious fanatic, convenient amnesia about his secular past, generally unlikely to cause trouble for anyone in the group but might still be planning to kill you.

Today’s feeling: A serious case of “out in the groups-itis”. I’m off to see Dr Karl.