France vs England

As we are wont to do, we look backward before looking forward to tomorrow’s World Cup quarter final match between France and England. The countries have met twice at World Cups: first, in the group stage in 1966, with England running out 2-0 winners thanks to a brace from Roger Hunt, second, at Spain ’82, again in the group stage, England winning 3-1 thanks to a couple from Bryan Robson and Plymouth’s finest Paul Mariner.

So in order not to get carried away with our 100% record against Les Bleus at World Cups, let’s revisit an old friend: Euro 2004. The only major tournament that Wayne Rooney really excelled in, it was probably the best chance the Golden Generation had to win a major tournament. Before the quarter final heartache against Portugal, there was yet another group stage match between two nations.

In the opening preamble of the highlights I’m watching, Martin Tyler talks about Beckham and Zidane being clubmates in Madrid, but are here standing next to each other in EXTREME RIVARLY. You hear that? EXTREME.

The first action is Zidane picking up the ball between the lines. England are a touch slow to close down, and he’s able get a shot away from about 25 yards, which goes wide.

Patrick Vieira crosses from the right, David Trezeguet steals a run in front of the centre backs and flashes a header just over.

Beckham buys a free kick on the right wing, which is in a great position for the set piece maestro to cross. He plays it into the box, and Frank Lampard is there to head home a fairly difficult chance that he was kind of moving backwards for. It’s a PES 2 goal if ever I’ve seen one.

Simple as anything. 2nd half now. Thierry Henry tees up a volley from 20 yards, but it’s straight at David James. England look like they’re defending a counterattack (lads, you’re winning, what are you doing), Henry cuts in on his right foot but again it’s straight at the keeper. Beckham shoots from about 30 yards but it goes over. Henry blasts over from 20 yards on his left foot.

Now then. Beckham lumps it clear from inside the England box. We’re treated to an extended shot of Bixente Lizarazu jogging up the pitch whilst Martin Tyler informs us that Rooney chases and wins the ball. We finally cut back to the match and Rooney is galloping forward, Vassell’s right there with him and it’s a 2 on 1.

It’s such an easy square ball to Vassell to wrap up the game, but he goes it alone, just getting into the box when he is absolutely clobbered by Mikael Silvestre. It looks for all the world like a penalty and a red card, but it’s only a yellow. Unlike Rotterdam 11 years ago though, a penalty is given. Urrggh, look at this. Just fucking square it!

Martin Tyler informs us that Beckham missed his last England penalty. Up he steps:

Oh, Dave. Undeterred, England still push for a 2nd. Vassell hits a bobbling shot from 25 yards that somehow catches Barthez by surprise and smashes him in the face. It looks like a blatant backpass is about to happen but the camera conveniently cuts away. CONSPIRACY. Hargreaves replaces Scholes to shore up the England midfield to help them see out the game.

Some sterling defensive work from Emile Heskey sees him boot Makelele in the chest to give away a free kick in a very dangerous area. David James lines up the wall, then stands directly behind it to give himself the least possible chance of reacting to the shot:

The fuck, man.

Go on, here it comes:

Sake!

I mean, the ball goes in the net in the exact spot where David James is supposed to be fucking standing. It’s just fucking terible goalkeeping. I did enjoy him absolutely lampooning the ball at Gallas after it’s bounced out of the net, mind. There’s a shot of Beckham doing exaggerated breathing exercises, telling everyone they need to calm down.

Good advice, too – there’s not long left, a draw is a still good result, don’t do anything stupid, right Steve? Steve? STEEEEEEVE!

Jesus Christ almighty, what the fuck is he playing at! Under no pressure, the 30 yard lofted backpass to certain death. David James duly obliges with a horrendous looking tackle to give away the penalty. Could he not have challenged with his hands because it was a backpass? Not that it’d probably have made any difference anyway, for fuck’s sake.

“It’s heartbreak for England,” says Martin Tyler. Sure was. Like Shilton at Italia ’90, you knew James wasn’t getting anywhere near that. I remember being pretty distraught after this. Luckily I was staying with my uncle and I don’t really remember what else happened that evening so I presume sorrows were drowned and the world was put to rights.

England had the lead and had a golden chance to make it 2-0, but Beckham couldn’t make it count and it all fell apart terribly with Gerrard’s insane backpass of destiny. Let’s hope for better tomorrow.

Today’s feeling: at least David James isn’t in goal for the next game.

Bonus Gallery:

The classic “t-shirt with your bloke’s face on it”
Top class jogging back into position

World Cup Countdown: 1 day to go

Well, I got my final bit of pontificating out of the way yesterday, and in a bid to end the countdown on a slightly happier note, I’ve decided to relive a more pleasant bit of recent history. (As if the failed ’94 qualifying campaign wasn’t a great big barrel o’laughs). Let’s head back to the heady days of 2018, to the Otkritie Arena, Moscow, to the 2nd round, to Columbia vs England.

I was on holiday for this, but thanks to my lovely wife giving me the night off, I was able to head down to the pub/club/whatever the thingy is with the booze and the projector, with my brother, and enjoy the full spectacle. The great news is, Dele Alli is fit again. That midfield seems almost unfathomable with 2022 eyes, yet it must have been doing something right to get us as far as we did.

I remember this being engrossing and enthralling, but unfortunately we’ve got Peter Drury on commentary, which makes me want to switch off immediately. Yes I know everybody loves him, despite him being a total shitarse, don’t @ me.

It’s a fairly cagey opening few minutes, but Alli plays a good ball down the left channel for Sterling, who wins a free kick off Mina for handball. Young whips it in and Ospina punches clear. It’s recycled to Trippier, who plays an excellent cross in from the right, but it’s headed behind by Mina for a corner. I always remember Ospina as being a full on chocolate-wristed keeper for Arsenal, but he’s done alright here, and claims the subsequent corner very well.

Kane is bundled over in the first installment of his evening’s entertainment. Trippier tries to sneak Sterling in from the resulting free kick, and he wins a corner. It’s defended easily and Columbia break very quickly, but England are able to hold up Quintero and they regroup.

That’s an order!

When the weight of a nation’s expectations isn’t enough, why not try a little Columbian Defender?

Ahh, I’d forgotten about this beaut:

Sexy man.

Trippier plays in Lingard down the right channel. Lingard holds it up, Trippier overlaps and Lingard plays him in, and he puts in a deep cross for Kane, who heads just over from a tight angle.

Trust me on the depth perception, it was a tight angle.

Pickford looks about 12 here. Lingard, who’s looked sharp, plays in Sterling, who completely fluffs it and gets pushed over for his trouble. We’re midway through the first half, and the early freneticism has died off somewhat; England are now in “Game management as a tactic” mode and definitely aren’t overcommitting in their build up play. England have a corner. Every attacking set piece gets delayed by the ref because of shoving. Nothing comes from it. Trippier fouls Falcao, and they exchange rather heated pleasantries. Maguire and Cuadrado become well acquianted by the corner flag. It’s getting a bit snippy.

Sterling can’t get in the game at all, then he finally does some good link up play and Kane wins England a free kick on the edge of the box. The wall for this is basically a ruck of both teams, and Hendo gets a nice headbutt on the chin for his troubles:

Maguire calls for the third umpire:

And the result is…a yellow card for Barrios. Perhaps when you headbutt from underneath, it’s less bad? Anyway, after about 10 years, Trippier finally takes the free kick:

Good effort, Ospina looks like he had it covered but you never really know with that guy. Columbia keep having nibbles, first at Alli, then Sterling. Kane shoots rather tamely wide from 25 yards. Quintero hits an awkward, bobbling shot in front of Pickford but he gathers well. A cross is headed clear, it comes to Lingard who can’t get over it and blazes it over. There’s a replay of Alli getting one in the nuts:

And that’s about it for the first half. Pretty cagey, whilst being pretty spiky at the same time. Not a great half of football, all told.

Drury attempts to tempt fate by mentioning the 0-0 from 1995 and Higuita’s scorpion kick save. Trippier miscontrols and there’s an audible cry of “Fuck off!” to himself. Arias is booked for elbowing Kane in the back when they go up for a header. Pretty cagey in the 2nd with 52 minutes on the clock. The free kick from the elbow on Kane is beautifully delivered by Ashley young, but headed clear for a corner.

There’s more shenanigans as Trippier delivers the corner, and Sanchez’s manhandling of Kane is enough for the ref to give a penalty.

Can’t really argue with that, he’s fully rodgering him by the end there. The Columbians are absolutely beside themselves, remonstrating with the ref and things get a bit tasty again, with Hendo getting booked for a reverse head-graze. Over 4 minutes have passed since the decision before Kane steps up…

That’s the way. I wouldn’t call it a deserved lead as there’s been so few chances, but at least the game has to open up now, surely.

Stones drags his foot over Falcao’s head, who sells it like death. Free kick but nothing else. This is not easy on the eye at all. Kane gets some more attention and wins another free kick. This is what I remember, just Kane getting fouled relentlessly. A comically bad dive from Maguire leads to Trippier crossing to the back post and Dele Alli heads over. Decent chance, that. The Columbians are going mental over Maguire’s dive and there’s more ref-haranguing.

England are trying to manage the game out and are starting to see a lot of the ball. Some patient build up sees Lingard into the left hand side of the box, where if he can just square it, Kane has a tap in, but his attempted pass is blocked by Sanchez. Maguire gets his head on the resulting corner, but it floats tamely onto the roof of the net. Kane gets another knock on the back of his knees for another free kick. Apart from Kane getting bashed around, it seems to have calmed down a bit. 15 minutes left.

England have suddenly dropped 10 or 15 yards deeper and it’s invited the Columbians on. Could be a conscious decision because England win it back and break so quickly with Sterling, who plays Lingard in, who goes down looking for a penalty.

Mmmm…no. Kane wins another free kick. Dele Alli is conveniently somewhere near the corner flag as his number comes up to be subbed for Eric Dier, and meanders his way to the other side of the pitch, occasionally breaking into a trot, taking forever. Walker is caught in possession and it’s 3 on 3. It comes to Cuadrado just inside the corner of the box, who blazes over. Big let off.

Lingard’s away down the right wing, but with Sterling waiting in the box, he takes a very heavy touch and the chance is gone. Kane fouled again. Columbia have a couple of good crosses delivered by Cuadrado and Mojica, but aren’t able to make anything of them. Less than 5 minutes left. The ref gets in Maguire’s way. Falcao hits a pea roller at Pickford from 20 yards. Sterling is replaced by Vardy, presumably because the game hasn’t been tetchy enough for the last 20 minutes and Southgate’s trying to rile it up. Kane fouled again. Mina blatantly shoves Kane from the resulting free kick, but it was so obvious, the ref just let it go. I think that’s how it works. 5 minutes of stoppage time.

Hendo buys a free kick and milks is it as long as possible. Uribe hits a pelter from 30 yards and Pickford’s forced into his first real save of the evening in the 92nd minute. Ospina’s up for the corner. He’s lurking nearby as it’s swung in, but Mina rises highest, heading it down into the ground and bouncing it up over Trippier on the post and in. England had killed this game stone dead but couldn’t drag it across the line. That equaliser really hadn’t been coming at all. Sigh.

Yep.

After the restart, they show Mina moving a bit gingerly and rubbing his cock. Must have been a good celebration. I’m not GIF’ing that one, you can imagine it if you like. And that’s it…now for Extra Time.

My memories of this extra time are a bit hazy, as the lager level was quite high at this point. I have a vague impression that we were under the kosh and looked very tired. Let’s see if I’m right.

Columbia get in pretty easily down their left flank, but Bacca can’t quite reach the low cross. England aren’t really pressing anymore, which is understandable. Maguire is distracted by some multi-ball action, and the ball ends up in Pickford’s net, fortunately about 10 seconds after the ref had pulled it back. England are still very deep and Columbia now have licence to stroke it around at their leisure, much like England in normal time. Walker jumps for a challenge in England’s box with one arm raised high in the air, which feels like it’s asking for trouble, but it’s just a corner and nothing comes from it. Young is replaced by Danny Rose.

England can’t seem to do anything right once they get into Columbia’s half and they keep ceding possession. Falcao heads a decent chance wide. Stones kicks it straight off the pitch under no pressure and then blames Rose for being out of position. You know it doesn’t hurt to look first, mate. Half time in extra time.

England create a chance almost straight from the kick off, and it falls perfectly for Vardy on his left foot, but he fires straight at Ospina from about 14 yards. Argh! But it was offside anyway. Stones kicks it out for no reason again. Well, he’s tired I suppose. Lingard plays in Vardy but he’s closed down quickly and his shot is blocked. Walker, suffering from cramp, can’t decide if he wants to go down or not, resulting in a bit of a post-modern dance routine:

From Len, the 10.

England have suddenly got a bit of spring in their step and it’s Columbia’s turn to sit deep while England push and probe. Hendo plays in Rose after some good possession and he flashes a shot just wide. Rashford comes on for Walker. 7 minutes left. Vardy gets in down the right channel, but Lingard can’t get enough on his cross, but it’s a corner. Trippier’s ball in is on a plate for Dier but he heads over. Golden chance.

Kane’s playing ostensibly as a 10 and England have looked much more threatening in this second period. 3 minutes left. Cuadrado is booked for sliding in on Rose, who was looking for it slightly. There’s a replay of Maguire clubbing Ospina across the chest, to which Drury hastily notes that he “meant nothing by that”. Yeah of course not. And that is finally that. A bitty, narky affair that was high on aggro and extremely low on quality. To penalties.

Falcao’s up first. Straight down the middle. England have the twin disadvantage of going 2nd and the penalties being taken at the Columbian fans end. Kane is first for England. Bottom left corner, struck very hard and true. 1-1. Cuadrado next. Top left corner. Exceptional. Rashford for England. Bottom left corner, struck perfectly. 2-2. Muriel next for Columbia. Rolls it gently into the bottom right corner, cool as you like. Here comes Hendo. He goes for the bottom right corner but Ospina’s across in a flash and it’s a fantastic save. 3-2 Columbia, 2 each remaining. Uribe to put Columbia on the cusp. But he smashes it agains the bar! Pickford puffs out his cheeks. Trippier with the chance to level it. Rifled into the top left corner. Great pen. 3-3 with 1 each left on the slate. Bacca with Columbia’s 5th. He goes left, but it’s not very far in the corner and Pickford sticks out his left arm to parry it away. Advantage England! Dier with the chance to send England through. And he’s done it! He’s fucking done it! Ospina got his hand on it but couldn’t keep it out. Is now a good time to go back and mention the chocolate wrists thing again? Get in there!

I know that was then, but it could be again…

I was hoping to end the countdown on a more positive note, and even though England eventually prevailed, it was one of the most attritional games I can ever remember seeing. No wonder Kane was fucked for the rest of the tournament, he got absolutely battered around here. Ahh, well. It’s been fun. Remind me not to sit through the full 120+ minutes of this one again, Jesus Christ. I should have left the hazy, drunken memories alone.

Today’s feeling: England become the first team to go out of the group stage on penalties.

World Cup Countdown: 2 days to go

I’ve tried quite hard to be enthused about the world cup, but with less than 48 hours to go, I’m sad to say it’s still not quite happening for me. Maybe once the piping-hot contents of Qatar vs Ecuador are ingested into my football stomach on Sunday afternoon, all reservations will be lost amidst a cavalcade of out-of-season tournament football delight.

It seems unlikely though. For all the obvious reasons. 6,500+ dead migrant workers during the construction process? Check. Dreadful human rights record? Check. Appalling LGBTQ+ rights record? Check. The whole idea of having a World Cup in the desert at the wrong time of year? Check.

And yet here we are, on the cusp of it all. I’ll probably watch as much as I can, with whatever time I can scrape between work, commuting and kids. Will I feel bad about it? Yes. Am I a massive hypocrite to talk about things like dead migrants & human rights, whilst being a mostly tacit enabler of the corruption that’s brought it all about? Yes.

It’s my hope that the footballers will be able to protest some of these things, and in such a way that the TV cameras cannot avoid. I don’t know who the matchday TV directors are going to be or where they’ll be from, but I’m almost certain they will be under strict orders to cut away from images that might upset the ruling class of the host nation.

This may be the most sportswashingy international tournament we’ve seen, but unlike the rebel cricket tours of apartheid South Africa in the 80’s, the players taking part aren’t willingly taking dirty money in full knowledge that years of their international careers are going to be pissed away. Some players have consciences, and I hope those that do are able to use their platform to make some kind of statement to push for change, to push for human rights and workers rights and LGBTQ+ rights. A message in support of those things not only for those who have suffered and died, and continue to suffer because of in Qatar, but for the whole world to see: that not only tolerance, but acceptance and celebration of them is a good thing and something worth striving for.

Today’s feeling: Sad, guilty and out in the groups.

World Cup Countdown: 9 days to go

Today, we look through all of England legend Frank Lampard’s goals at the World Cup.

It’s insane what a pivotal moment this was, because we’d been absolute shit in this game if memory serves correctly. Let’s have a little dig, then.

Still having nightmares about David James’s performance against France in Euro 2004, and yet here he is again. Yes, I remember Scott Carson. How many more nightmares do you want me to relive? Nothing against Matt Upson, but it’s weird to see him starting in a World Cup. I’m sure he felt the same way. Nice to see Capello’s answer to the Gerrard & Lampard question is just to put Barry in between and hope for the best. Fucking joke. Defoe and Rooney up front also seems like someone’s just been pissing about with the team sheet and they accidentally ended up as the first choice pairing.

A simple ball over the top sees up and coming youngster Meszut Ozil get in behind, but he’s denied by James’s legs. Early warning signs.

Ashley Cole goes in hard on Thomas Muller. Just about gets the ball first but it’s a real doozy.

Lots of German pressure. Khedira blasts one miles over the bar from 30 yards. He then double teams Lampard with Schweinsteiger to concede a free kick in a promising position for England, and there’s a slow motion replay of him saying “Big boy, ref”. The resulting free kick is not included in the highlights package, presumably because it was too amazing and probably a goal.

The first goal is ludicrous. Spookily reminiscent of the 2nd Dutch goal that did for Graham Taylor in 1993, it’s just the most routine long ball you’ve ever seen that somehow isn’t dealt with. Upson tries manfully to bring him down and get himself sent off, whilst David James backpedals away from ball that he surely could have got to first if he hadn’t just ran away. By the time he eventually tiptoes forward to narrow the angle, Klose’s away from Upson and it’s a simple tap in. Absolute farce.

Rooney trundles in from the left wing and smashes one into the Northern Hemisphere. Klose gets in again but James saves with his legs once more. Defoe heads against the bar but is ruled offside anyway. Germany play about 2 one-touch passes and they’re in again, England are all over the place and can’t live with them. Muller looks like he’s through, but he plays it awkwardly wide for Podolski, who has about 3 years to control it and set himself, and then fires it home from a tight angle. Amateur hour from England. Terrible.

Milner drills in a low cross, which finds Lampard, whose poked effort is saved by Neuer. Barry and Upson are left for dead by Klose in the 6 yard box, whose drag back leaves him with a great chance for 3-0, but Gerrard steams in for the block. England take a corner short and it’s played to Gerrard on the corner of the box. He swings it in and Upson rises to head home. Despite looking like utter cretins for the entire match, England are back in it.

Buoyed by their throroughly undeserved goal, England have the feels. Defoe receives it on the edge of the box, but is tackled. The ball comes to Lampard who brings it down, and hits a perfectly executed lob over Neuer that hits the bar, crosses the line and spins back out again. No goal given.

And that, my friends, is why we have VAR. So next time you want to have a whinge about it, blame Frank Lampard. They show a replay of Capello sort of matter-of-factly celebrating after the not-goal, which is mildly hilarious, if you can find gross refereeing incompetence hilarious. So, that’s pretty much it for the first half. Maybe England can use that injustice as motivation to come firing back in the 2nd half, despite looking like utter shite for 95% of the match so far?

Gerrard cuts diagonally backwards in from his secondment on the left wing, dragging a shot wide when he probably should have passed. Lampard has a free kick that’s fully 35 yards out. Has he been chatting with Roberto Carlos or something? SHIT ME. Absolutely leathers it, the keeper is nowhere and it hits the bar. So unlucky.

I know it’s *technically* a leave by Neuer, but I don’t think any keeper can be that sure a shot like that is only going to hit the bar. He’s got away with one there.

Gerrard has another tame shot saved by Neuer. Lahm sells Neuer short with a backpass and Neuer just makes it to the ball first ahead of Defoe. Gerrard drags another shot wide. Stop it, Steve, for God’s sake. Muller finds space between the lines and advances to the edge of the box. England just seem to freeze in position but his shot is weak and deflected wide. Schweinsteiger shoots just wide from 25 yards.

Lampard hits a free kick against the wall, and it falls to Barry, who dallies and loses it. Germany are up the other end in a flash and it’s 3 on 3. Schweinsteiger tees up Muller, who has an age to set himself and smashes it through David James, who’s looking in the wrong direction as the ball hits him and goes in. We could blame the Jabulani, but really we’ve just been had on the counter, and when you’re chasing the game, what can you do? Personally, I’d start with not diving out of the way of the ball, but then I’m not a goalie so what do I know.

Muller shins one wide. Germany clear from a Joe Cole cross, and it’s the infamous bit where Ozil makes up about 10 yards on Barry, who trundles after him like an 80 year-old chasing an escaped whippet. Ozil gets into the box, slides it across for Muller who slots it home. Embarrassing.

Gomez shoots wide. Gerrard breaks through the middle, and finally gets a decent shot away, but it’s tipped round the post by a diving Neuer. Rooney tries a back-volley from a corner, but it loops tamely up into Neuer’s hands. Lampard shoots from 25 yards but Neuer pats it down fairly easily.

And that’s it. The last remnants of the golden generation being made to look like utter goofs by a far superior German team. I suppose that not-goal kind of makes up for ’66…yeah? Call it quits, yeah?

Today’s feeling: Out in the groups thanks to a not-goal for Kane against Wales where VAR mysteriously stops working.

World Cup Countdown: 22 days to go

Not so much sneaking up on you as quietly breaking into your house at night and rearranging your furniture for no reason, the World Cup is just a shade over 3 weeks away. Let’s do a countdown within the countdown: The opening titles of each 90’s World Cup from BBC and ITV, ranked.

#6 – ITV, USA ’94 – Gloryland

Facepainted children advertising Panasonic is probably the high point, though at least they don’t go too hard on the American stereotypes, limiting it to just the bald eagle and the Stars & Stripes. There’s no actual football on display, just a few shots of various players celebrating a bit, and then one massive group bundle shot at the end. The song, “Glorlyand”, performed by Daryl Hall and the Sounds of Blackness, is presumably supposed to be a rousing number, but is a caustic mix of euro-pop and gospel music more terrible than anything on David Hasselhoff’s greatest hits. (Speaking of which, the song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good).

#5 – BBC, France ’98 – Pavane

We enter through the doors of what is supposedly an upmarket French restaurant, but it looks suspiciously like the set of Ocean World from the Crystal Maze. The focus remains on the interior furnishings, whilst a few classic World Cup moments play slightly blurred in the background: the Pele header, the Cruyff turn, Gazza crying. The focus then shifts to wine, with Alan Shearer appearing in 8 glasses all at once, Zidane and some others appear in 4 glasses. Baguettes. Waiters. Napkins. Finally the camera tilts up to the sun streaming through a stained glass manifestation of the trophy itself. This was dull, and had rosbif fingerprints all over it.

#4 – BBC, Italia ’90 – Nessun Dorma

Yes, yes, it’s a “classic”. And of course, Pavarotti’s fearsome tenor delivery is mesmerizing. But we’re not judging this on nostalgia or music choice alone. There’s no hint of football for the first 30 seconds of this, which is taken up by shots of artwork and two ballerinas dancing around a giant, floating orange, which eventually turns into a football, or something approaching one. We finally get some action, and it’s slow-mo shots of Pele celebrating, the Cruyff turn, Maradona dribbling. There’s a diving header. Marco van Basten foreshadowing Alan Shearer’s hand-raised-whilst-running celebration. Brief shots of Irish, Scottish and English players celebrating, before ending on Marco Tardelli’s iconic running, arms-pumping, emotionally wrecked face celebration from 1982. Simple enough, I suppose, and definitely classier than the ’98 effort, but I think English memories of the run to the semi-final have lionized a pretty tame visual effort.

#3 – ITV, France ’98 – Rendez-vous ’98

Opening with a firework-strewn Eiffel tower, we segue into an amusing if somewhat incongruous sponsorship bit for Vauxhall. A few more clichés Francais: an old bloke wearing a France ’98 cap, tour de France, the Eurostar, vineyards. Boules. It then shows us a hand-animated billboard of real Ronaldo running, which morphs into actual footage of real Ronaldo running, and suddenly we’re in amongst the action. Shearer shoots and (preusmably) scores. Michael Owen scores. Shearer celebrates in the rain. Owen celebrates in the dry. There’s a few more random bits of stock footage and a French traffic warden (or something – I know there’s a special name for them but I can’t remember it). John Collins scores a penalty against Brazil and Craig Brown leaps for joy. It sort of tapers off a bit towards the end, but the soundtrack of Jean Michel Jarre & Apollo 440 is just cheesy greatness.

#2 – ITV, Italia ’90 – Tutti al mondo

We’re entering earth’s atmosphere as the lines of a football pitch start appearing along with a truckload of balls. The ball spins towards us, and it’s the classic pentagon/hexagon ball design. On the pentagons, images of various historical players are superimposed – Bobby Charlton, Pele, Johan Cruyff, Roger Federer. (Yes, I was surprised as well). The ball spins away. We’re now settled in a geostationary orbit above Italy, and there’s loads of balls bouncing everywhere, hitting the dots that presumably represent the various stadia locations being used for the event. Someone starts whipping in crosses for Michaelangelo’s David, who nods them in like a prime, naked Duncan Ferguson. The mascot, Ciao, knocks in a sweet half volley. There’s still time for one more statue, I think it’s Apollo and Daphne, to get in on the act, lobbing a ball somewhere like a bored neighbour throwing next-door’s ball back for the thousandth time. Finally, we get some classic Italian cars parked in a somewhat cavalier manner outside the Colosseum, and that’s it really. The song is great, very Depehce Mode-y, but fits the kitsch opening titles perfectly. It’s a really neat little package, just let down by a lack of actual, real football and not just statues doing headers (though that bit is great).

#1 – BBC, USA ’94 – America

Crucially remembering that, to introduce a football programme, it’s common sense to show football action, and, like, goals. Of course, it’s USA! USA! USA! so there’s a litany of visual cliches – Statue of Liberty, White House, Mickey Mouse, but we also get a montage of goals, fouls, Jack Charlton grinning and Pat Bonner doing the head-tilted “careful!” expression. Bernstein’s “America” from West Side Story gives it a huge amount of drive. Presumably because England weren’t in it, the higher profile producer dweebs at beeb couldn’t be arsed, resulting in a coherent, exciting set of opening titles. Excellent stuff.

Today’s feeling: Out in the groups after Diana Ross makes amends for the ’94 opening ceremony and scores the only goal from the spot to knock England out.

World Cup Countdown: 46 days to go: Le Tournoi (part 2)

The tournament of dreams is back for more, and it cannot be stopped.

7 June, 1997 – France vs England

Gazza’s back in the starting XI for this one. I think it’s a back 4 with Phil Neville in midfield, or else Gary Neville’s playing in a back 3 with Phil Neville and Graeme le Saux as wing backs. Maybe? Any suggestions, please @ me. Thanks again to eu-football.info for this:

Well I’m afraid perilously little of this game made it through to the YouTube era. We see the end of a replay of David Seaman making a save. Then it cuts to England down the right, with…Beckham? He crosses and it’s slightly deflected. Barthez attempts to cut it out, but spills it and who’s there but yours truly, Alan Shearer to poke home the loose ball from 2 yards out.

Barthez sells it like he’s been fouled or had the ball kicked out of his hands, but on the replay you can clearly see he makes a total hash of it, and while Shearer is a bit clumsy in grinding Barthez’s head into the ground with his trailing leg, it’s not really a foul.

I still can’t work out who this is.

Highlights:

10 June, 1997 – England vs Brazil

Let’s face it, this tournament is only as well remembered as it is for Roberto Carlos’s banana whip of a free kick in the other game against France. Nonetheless, we’re here for the boys in white (or red, in this case). We get a Euro ’96 redux with Hoddle looking to rekindle the old SAS magic. I think it’s a 5-3-2, and yep there’s the graphic:

Not a bad side really, apart from Phil Neville.

Tasty. Real Ronaldo, before the unpleasantness with the knees. Yikes.

Ok, let’s go. Cafu nutses Ince, but his cross is cleared. Southgate (I think) muffs a clearance and Ronaldo looks to be clean through, but Sol Campbell makes an amazing recovery sliding tackle to put it behind for a corner. Glenn Hoddle looks annoyed. The Brazil bench looks bored. Ince exchanges passes with Gazza, and hits a decent effort from 25 yards out, which is touched behind by Taffarel. Denilson is fouled by clumsy fuck Phil Neville, who manages to cut him open hardway. Shearer ballons a header miles over. Not much to write home about yet.

Leonardo breaks through the middle but shoots just over. The ball sits up nicely for GARY NEVILLE, who probably came as close as he ever would to scoring in an England shirt with a tame, bouncing effort from about 30 yards out. Ronaldo gets in behind again but Seaman saves with his legs. Shearer leaves a bit in on Ronaldo, who cheerfully repays the favour by kicking him back. Both get booked.

Bobby C tries to repeat his banana trick, but Seaman punches it behind. Some all around Brazilian piss-taking is finally snuffed out by Le Saux. Chance after chance for Brazil, England are being run ragged. Leonardo plays in Romario, and after something of a toe-poke from about 8 yards, England’s resistance is finally broken. Check out Phil Neville on the replay, gallantly jogging back with no hoping of contributing anything as Romario drives his way through.

Phil Neville can’t even foul Leonardo properly, missing a sliding lunge by miles. He then copies big bro Gary by having a shot on target. Hark at him! And that’s it. England never looked like coming back into it, though Scholes had a half chance that he should have done better with.

Highlights:

England lost the battle, but would still win the Le Tournwar, thanks to Brazil drawing with France and Italy. Hurrah for Le Tournoi!

Today’s feeling: Out in the groups because we finish level with two other teams on 6 points and we’re eliminated because REASONS.

World Cup Countdown: 47 days to go: Le Tournoi (part 1)

The wait for an England Men’s major tournament victory goes on, and will likely continue on through the winter of discontent in Qatar. So what can you do with no recent major tournament victories to celebrate? Why, celebrate a minor tournament victory instead! Hurrah for Le Tournoi!

Much like the Umbro Cup 2 years previously, when England were rowing painfully in the competition-free doldrums leading up to Euro ’96, France tried to stir the competitive pot with a meaningless friendly tournament of their own. Le Tournoi de France, translating as “Tournament of France” (maybe they had help from the minds behind the 1991 England Challenge Cup), featured England, France, Italy and Brazil.

4th June, 1997 – England vs Italy

The first set of highlights I found had “My Immortal” by Evanesence as the soundtrack. Yes, we all feel the loss of not having Le Tournoi in our lives anymore, but is the pain that deep? Anyway, it’s a bit of a thrown together England team, courtesy of the good people at eu-football.info:

Where’s Nigel Clough when you need him? Scholes picks up the ball just outside the centre circle in the England half. He spots Ian Wright making a run in behind the Italian defence and clips an excellent long pass over the top for Wright to run on to. It bounces once and Wrighty lashes it into the corner for the opening goal. Simple yet elegant. Graham Taylor approves.

Wright is played in down the left channel. He plays it low into the box and finds Scholes, who hits it first time on his left past a statuesque Peruzzi. Clincal finish.

Shame the Wright/Scholes combo didn’t get more traction, there was the beginning of something there, but their careers just didn’t overlap enough. Still, it all turned out…eh…alright? Is going out on penalties the following year “alright”? Eh.

Highlights: Spanish Commentary version (recommended)

Highlights – My Immortal version:

World Cup Countdown: 48 days to go

So, with 48 days to go, let’s review England’s 4th highest scorer of all time with 48 goals. But, for brevity’s sake, let’s just look at the final 9 goals.

Goal 40: 25 May, 1991 – England vs Argentina, 1991 England Challenge Cup

An idea conceived of before the FA had a dedicated marketing department, can be the only explanation I can think of for the most middle-aged white man sounding tournament in history.

A young David Batty winning his first England cap is featured in the pre-match line-up chat by Motson. He gets fouled by an also-young Diego Simeone in a weird precursor of France ’98-related shenangians. The subsequent free-kick, just inside England’s half, is taken by Stuart Pearce and it’s a long ball into the penalty area. It hangs for an age before landing on a somehow unmarked Lineker’s head 8 yards out, who executes a diving, glancing header beyond the keeper to open the scoring. It’s tremendously simple stuff, but a very well taken goal nonetheless.

Goal 41: 3 June, 1991 – New Zealand vs England, Friendly

There’s a real feeling that the 1991 shorts were left behind when the team flew out on tour, and all they could find were the 1985 shorts, such is the level of budgie-smuggling going on here. Also, there’s a beautiful athletics track surrounding the pitch/grass hill with spectators on behind the goal combo, that you just don’t see enough of in high-level internationals these days.

Dennis Wise misses a chance and then trudges back looking every inch the scolded child. John Salako hits the bar. Earl Barrett! It’s the 93rd minute and Motson and Brooking have given up. But wait! Paul Parker puts in a low cross and Lineker steals in ahead of the keeper to flick it home. Motson says, “It all seemed lost…the chance of a win, that is.” Well, drawing with New Zealand feels like a loss.

Goals 42-45: 12 June 1991 – Malaysia vs England, Friendly

Must be one of the last outings of the “Commentator on the phone” trope before the technology took over.

England have a free kick in the first minute. Its swung in but partially cleared, eventually coming to Geoff Thomas, who feeds a simple ball to Lineker, who then rifles home with his left foot.

Pearce loops in a corner. Mark Wright flicks it on and Lineker stabs it home from about 2 yards. Easy.

There’s a calamitous attempt to play it out from the back that gets intercepted by Geoff Thomas, who again plays a simple pass to Lineker, but the shot from the edge of the box is parried. It falls to David Platt on the right, who chips it into the near post for Lineker to head home.

Platt misses from 15 yards with a spectacular bicycle kick. Pearce’s cross misses Platt’s head in the box but runs on to John Salako. The keeper rushes out and it’s the simplest job for Salako to chip it in and Lineker heads into an empty net.

46: 13 November 1991 – Poland vs England, Euro ’92 qualifier

A crucial qualifier and a hostile environment in Poznan. Andy Gray (not that one) misses a great chance. Barry McGuigan opens the scoring for Poland. Geoff Thomas misses a great chance to equalise. Poland are denied a stonewall penalty when Chris Woods brings down the Polish chap who beats him to the ball. VAR is weeping at that one. I wonder if there’s some Polish blogger ranting about this? Godspeed, my friend.

Rocastle swings in a corner. It’s headed down by Gary Mabbutt, and Lineker volleys it on the turn into the top corner. Brilliant goal!

47: 19 February 1992 – England vs France, Friendly

“Alan Shearer of Southampton” scores on his debut. Geoff Thomas with that miss. In what feels like an inter-generational singularity, Shearer crosses for Nigel Clough, whose shot is parried, only for Lineker to head home at the 2nd attempt. Persistence pays off.

48: 29 April 1992 – CIS vs England, Friendly

Martin Tyler proves my earlier prediction wrong by phoning it in from Moscow for Sky Sports. Tony Daley battles down the right, swings one in and Lineker heads home. Routine as you like. “Surely Bobby Charlton’s mark will fall to him,” observes Tyler. Surely.

Not 49: 17 May 1992 – England vs Brazil, Friendly

Oh, Gary!

Today’s feeling: Out in the groups. Harry Kane retires from international football on 52 goals after trying to head in a penalty vs Iran.

World Cup Countdown: 49 days to go 

Knowledge is knowing who the first player to score 100 away goals in the Premier League is. Wisdom is knowing that stats like that are pretty meaningless.

Not that I’m thing to minimise Harry Kane’s “achievement”, but does it really mean anything more n what we already know: that he scores lots of goals and is a great player?

Just a reminder to myself to get annoyed when your Mowbrays and your Matterfaces are droning on about some equivalent bollocks like Kieran Trippier being the leading scorer in England games played on a Thursday afternoon in Asia.