Radiohead to sponsor final Premier League weekend

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With excitement over this season’s final round of fixtures looking to be at an all-time low, Radiohead have announced they will be sponsoring coverage of all games broadcast on May 23rd, 2021.

Man City have already won the league, all the relegation spots are decided, Chelsea and Liverpool are bound to end up in the top 4, meaning the only point of interest will be who finishes 7th. And let’s be honest, nobody really cares.

“It’s time to get OK Computer back in the public eye,” said front man Thom Yorke. “What better time to do it than on the final weekend of the season when everyone’s just tuning in because it’s Sunday afternoon and there’s nothing better on the TV?”

Julia Donaldson to release Liverpool FC versions of classic stories

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His eyes are like pools of terrible fire, and his terrible moustache is tougher than wire

Children’s literary powerhouse Julia Donaldson is to release Liverpool FC themed versions of her famous classic stories.

Donaldson was quoted as saying, “I really liked Vegard Heggem as a player and was really sad he had to retire.” When asked about the recent criticism regarding the club’s now abandoned plan to join the breakaway Super League, she said, “I’m not interested in all that. I think it will be a wonderful experience for Liverpool fans of all ages to see their heroes transported to magical lands, and Roy Evans drawn as an owl.”

The initial run of titles will include The Grobbalo, The Heighway Rat, Stig Inge Man, What the Lawrenson heard, N’gog and the Flying Doctors, Room on Benayoun, and Mølby Puzzle.

I’ve lost Ray Houghton!

Predictions 14-16 May

I think Spurs-Wolves was the hardest to call this week. Wolves have a decent away record there and if they’re on it, their pressing can upset Tottenham like Leeds’s did last week. I don’t see it being a high scoring game, but as we approach the end of season Vortex of Insanity, anything is possible. Everton-Sheffield Utd feels like the immovably shite home record vs the irresistably shite team.

Predictions 7-10 May

I’m backing Leicester to overcome their dreadful home form and see off Newcastle, and I feel Spurs have momentum and a non-Mourinho bounce. If anyone can stop City in a one-game vacuum, it’s Chelsea, but I think Tuchel won’t be playing his best hand before the CL final. Been burned by a few failed Jurgens this season, but Saints have been so, so poor. I’m hoping Man Utd’s schedule means they’ll take Villa somewhat lightly. We’ll lose to West Brom, cos it’s what we do.

Predictions 30 Apr-3 May

Mostly I feel West Ham are going to make me regret putting my faith in them. Also dipping my toe into some F***ing Spurs Failed Banker waters. Arsenal haven’t been good lately so I’m hoping to jinx them into life by predicting a loss at recently-lively Newcastle. Hoping Chelsea’s eye will be on the Champions League ball instead of the Premier League ball.

VAR to replace Robbie Savage and Chris Sutton on 606

The BBC has announced a shake up of its signature radio call in show, 606, replacing incumbent presenters Robbie Savage and Chris Sutton with the highly controversial Video Assistant Referee system.

“Whilst Robbie and Chris are well known for their left-field opinions and occasional hatred of modern football, we felt it was time for a new face for the programme,” said a BBC spokesperson. “VAR speaks to the younger listeners, those who understand that pixel-level offside decisions are the way of the future.”

Privately, senior BBC staff have discussed if Savage and Sutton would be able to conform to new OFCOM rules regarding Bantz~! levels, which are due to come in to effect on June 1st. It was felt Sutton’s generally more angry approach would meet the new standard, but Savage would be unable to dial back his bantzometer.

This is the first time VAR has taken on a role where the public can interact with them. “I may not be able to tick a box that asks ‘Are you a human being?’ on a website, but I’ve got this uncanny ability to draw lines on the screen and really suck the joy out of proceedings. And given that misery loves company, 606 felt like the perfect place to try and build a better relationship with the fans.”

An angry Sutton has refused to comment. Savage released a statement saying, “WOI OIIII!”

Predictions 23-26 April

Tough round this week. Leno’s already cost me dearly with that howler. Should have seen it coming as well, last time I was reading about Arsenal’s amazing home record against a specific team, it was against Burnley, and history just went and repeated itself. Cheers, history, you wanker. I think last time I banked on Leicester they got battered by Leyton Orient or someone shite. Don’t mess it up this time, lads!

Super League Surprise

I don’t believe anyone complaining about the European Super League is naïve enough not to believe that football’s all about the money. For as long as there has been chairmen to extract profits from clubs, football has been about the money. The Premier League emerged from the era that housed Ken Bates’s electric fences, Thatcher’s persecution of the poor, and Alan Sugar’s desire to sell more Amstrad Satellite dishes. Treating the fans like dirt whilst happily accepting their coin has been the Modus Operandi for the people at the top of the game since time immemorial. The idea that the Premier League was simply a “rebranding” because of football’s bad 80’s vibe is laughable.

So what’s different this time? The transformation of the top flight from “glitzy repackaged Division 1 games featuring Ronny Rosenthal” to “money-making powerhouse featuring all your favourite stars and Nicolas Pepe” was not instantaneous. It was a gradual gentrification, a country and a culture so intrinsically mistrustful of foreigners, slow to change its inward-looking ways. It wasn’t until the ’94-’95 season that we saw more than one foreign import in the top 20 most expensive transfers[1], according to data from transfermarkt.co.uk. Whilst there were many dissenting voices about the formation of the Premier League at the time – perhaps most notably Alex Ferguson, which has been mentioned elsewhere today – it was not a root and branch destruction of the very core of its being. All about the money, yes, a repackaging, yes, but it’s essence was the same.

What the gradual change has allowed to happen is a strange communal cognitive dissonance, in that because things didn’t change an awful lot when we went from point A to point B in 1992, and then things didn’t change that much when we went from point B to point C, and so on ad infinitum, we’ve been able to convince ourselves that relentless extraction of money that football became wasn’t that bad, because the change from what it originally was so slow. And now, worrying that they won’t have access to neighbouring wells to run dry at some point in the near future, the breakaway clubs have decided that they can create a new, safe, endless well of money that will secure the wallets of their owners for all time.

It was inevitable from the day Alan Sugar informed BSkyB of the value of ITV’s bid for the inaugural Premier League TV rights, and told them to “blow [ITV] out of the water.” It’s all about the money. It always has been, and it always will be, and the fans can go whistle. It’s the natural culmination of a sport that’s become obsessed with money above all else, and the most surprising thing is how surprised people seem to by this absolute “revelation”, which was really something everybody knew all along.


[1] Cantona from Leeds to Man Utd isn’t counted as an import