26/27 – Week 8

It’s a Friday night trip to er… Suffolk? Portman Road! Yeah, foooootball. Anne-Marie, Dave, Jez, Phil, Rob and Rod all correctly called a draw, with Phil and Rob getting the 1-1 bang on. Look, Glasner. I know you felt like you had to leave Palace, but let’s face it – you’re better off together and neither of your new flings are really working out so can you just get back together? I do think they’re going to start winning games soon, Ipswich were completely overrun in this one and it’s almost unfathomable how they got a point. Brownout at the West Midlands Village stadium, where nobody predicted a win for Villa at home to Man City. Lovely stuff. A hard working performance and a deserved win. Can someone explain the Nick Jackson celebration? Looks like he’s combining the Batista thumbs down spot from when he turned on Triple H and Evolution, as well amalgamating Undertaker’s “throat slit” signal as he was lining up the tombstone. Having written that out, I’m certain the real explanation is going to be way more boring. 50% of players went for the draw, but nobody was feeling brave enough to go for the Villa win.

Clean sweep at the Emirates as Arsenal trudged past Everton. You always feel like you’re one deliberately late tackle away from an all-in brawl when James Tarkowski is on the pitch, he just brings that air of a permanently aggrieved man that’s moments away from starting a fight. I presume it’s from having worked with Sean Dyche for too long. 50% of players got the 2-0 score exactly right. Lawro and Miki were the only players to predict a win for Fulham at Coventry. I think it was natural for people to be cautious about Fulham here, even if Cov are proper shite. I’d say it was a deserved win. Lawro got the 0-1 score bang on.

One of the least surprising brown sweeps of all time as Spurs turned up the #bantz to win at Chelsea for the first time in 84 years. Obviously I’m a wrong’un because I get much more enjoyment out of Chelsea shitting the bed than Spurs being Spursy, but a game like this is pretty much no-lose from an Arsenal perspective. Cole Palmer not getting sent off for V-triggering the guy but then getting a 2nd yellow later on was a neat summation of an evening of deep lolz. Nobody so much as predicted a draw in this one. I say again… LOL. Me, Miki, Phil and Rod all correctly called a win for Newcastle at Palace. Worrying times at Selhurst. A deeply uninspiring manager, unquantifiable tactics and players that don’t really look up for it. Making this Newcastle team look competent. Steve Parish…you know what to do. I got the 0-2 score bang on.

Ellman, Ed, Matt and Rob all correctly called the draw in the Hull-Brentford game, with the latter 3 getting the score exactly right. Keith Andrews’ deal with Satan seems to be running into trouble. WHAT HAPPENS NOW, KEITH? Hull are shocking, I guarantee Brentford won’t be that hopeless when we play them. AM, Dave, Matt, me and Rod all correctly called a win for Liverpool at home to Brighton. Sign o’ the times when less than 50% of players are putting a home win for Liverpool in this fixture. Brighton had a few moments but a surprising lack of Spursyness from Liverpool. Rod got the 2-0 bang on.

Chris, Damo, Dave and me all correctly went for an away win for Bournemouth over Man Utd. What a delightful farce. Please don’t sack Carrick, it’s just too much fun. Or if you do, please appoint Les Reed. Or Roy Keane. Surely the end game has got to be Roy Keane as Man Utd manager, as if we didn’t already know that yelling at players doesn’t equate to on-pitch performance.

And finally, Chris, Dave, Ian, Jez, me and Rob all correctly called a draw in the Sunderland-Leeds game, with Jez getting the rarest of rare bang-on 0-0s. I did watch the highlights, but uh…yeah? Stuff?

Week 8 table:

Tough week all round with only 4 players making it into double figures. Rob inches forward with the week’s top score to go level with Ed at the top. Dave continues his rehabilitation from knee surgery by joining the tail-end of the lower mid-table stragglers, leaving Matt at the bottom of the active payers.

We begin with a Friday night brownout at Molineux, with nobody predicting a home win for Wolves over Villa. Nice to see a return of the ISS ’98 “bicycle kick clearance in your own penalty area” trope, sadly it wasn’t enough to inspire a comeback. Soggy pitch, soggy performance from Villa. Chris, Ian and Jez all came closest going for a draw. Lawro was the only player to predict a draw in the Bournemouth-Sunderland game. Seems so obvious now, two middling teams in the midday game doing middle stuff. Particularly in the midfield.

Jez and Rob were the only players not to predict a win for Brentford away at Burnley. Sometimes, the universe just wants you to get relegated. But not only that – you have to get relegated and feel extreme anguish having been jubilant only a few moments earlier. It’s just wanton cruelty at this point. Clean sweep at Anfield, absolutely no surprise that nobody thought the ’ammers were gonna do ’em. Liverpool still not great though, and it didn’t feel like West Ham weren’t competing here, despite the scoreline. Miki lands a +12 for banking on the correct GD for his beloved Scousers.

Brownout at St James’s Park, with nobody predicting an away win for Everton over Newcastle. For a side with a good smattering of quality players, Newcastle are a bit… well, shite? “He scores with his arse, he scores with his arse” etc. Thierno Barry with the goal of the month (surely) and a new chant for the Everton fans (you’re welcome). Dave and Jez were the only ones not to predict a win for Man City away at Leeds. I‘m warmed by the sentiment, and I’m sure my fellow Arse fans are too. And given DCL’s form, he should have stuck that early chance away. (Fuck’s sake!)

Lawro, Matt, me and Phil all incorrectly went for the draw in the Forest-Brighton game; everyone else got it correct, including six players getting the 2-1 scoreline bang on. Good early action and then a whole lot of nothing. Anne-Marie, Chris, Dave, Ed, Ellman, Ian, Matt and me all correctly called Fulham’s win over Spurs. 2-1 flattered Tottenham, they were fucking rank. Could they really go down? Igor Tudor, looking like a man recalled from a long-term fishing expedition, and getting the expected results. Ellman banked on the 2-1 for a cranabolic amphetamoid of a +21.

Anne-Marie and Dave were the only players not to predict a win for Man Utd over Palace. Just like the good old days, eh? A fucking ridiculous non-penalty gifting the home side a win.

And finally, Damo, Jez and Phil were the only ones not to predict a win for Arsenal over Chelsea. The invincibles we ain’t. In fact, we were looking extremely vincible in the last 20 minutes, as we always seem to when leading matches lately. Players falling over randomly, lack of communication, silly mistakes, David Raya hopping and rushing around like a kangaroo on cocaine. Gyokeres playing like it’s his debut on a planet with wildly different gravity than his own. Arteta generously bringing on Havertz with 15 minutes to go to make it 10 vs 10 and a fairer fight. I suppose it feels more hard earned that way. Well, a win’s a win, so whatever, but it would be nice to win without generating nervous breakdowns all over the shop. 8 players got the 2-1 scoreline exactly right.

Week 28 table:

Lawro retakes top spot from Matt, but there’s still only a point in it. Dave, Ian and Miki all remain in touch of the top two. Ed’s big week sees him entrench a mid-table spot. Ellman’s bonanza eases him away from the basement battle, whilst Antoine’s brief dalliance with last place is over and I’m back at the bottom.