Radiohead to sponsor final Premier League weekend

With excitement over this season’s final round of fixtures looking to be at an all-time low, Radiohead have announced they will be sponsoring coverage of all games broadcast on May 23rd, 2021.

Man City have already won the league, all the relegation spots are decided, Chelsea and Liverpool are bound to end up in the top 4, meaning the only point of interest will be who finishes 7th. And let’s be honest, nobody really cares.

“It’s time to get OK Computer back in the public eye,” said front man Thom Yorke. “What better time to do it than on the final weekend of the season when everyone’s just tuning in because it’s Sunday afternoon and there’s nothing better on the TV?”

Julia Donaldson to release Liverpool FC versions of classic stories

His eyes are like pools of terrible fire, and his terrible moustache is tougher than wire

Children’s literary powerhouse Julia Donaldson is to release Liverpool FC themed versions of her famous classic stories.

Donaldson was quoted as saying, “I really liked Vegard Heggem as a player and was really sad he had to retire.” When asked about the recent criticism regarding the club’s now abandoned plan to join the breakaway Super League, she said, “I’m not interested in all that. I think it will be a wonderful experience for Liverpool fans of all ages to see their heroes transported to magical lands, and Roy Evans drawn as an owl.”

The initial run of titles will include The Grobbalo, The Heighway Rat, Stig Inge Man, What the Lawrenson heard, N’gog and the Flying Doctors, Room on Benayoun, and Mølby Puzzle.

I’ve lost Ray Houghton!

VAR to replace Robbie Savage and Chris Sutton on 606

The BBC has announced a shake up of its signature radio call in show, 606, replacing incumbent presenters Robbie Savage and Chris Sutton with the highly controversial Video Assistant Referee system.

“Whilst Robbie and Chris are well known for their left-field opinions and occasional hatred of modern football, we felt it was time for a new face for the programme,” said a BBC spokesperson. “VAR speaks to the younger listeners, those who understand that pixel-level offside decisions are the way of the future.”

Privately, senior BBC staff have discussed if Savage and Sutton would be able to conform to new OFCOM rules regarding Bantz~! levels, which are due to come in to effect on June 1st. It was felt Sutton’s generally more angry approach would meet the new standard, but Savage would be unable to dial back his bantzometer.

This is the first time VAR has taken on a role where the public can interact with them. “I may not be able to tick a box that asks ‘Are you a human being?’ on a website, but I’ve got this uncanny ability to draw lines on the screen and really suck the joy out of proceedings. And given that misery loves company, 606 felt like the perfect place to try and build a better relationship with the fans.”

An angry Sutton has refused to comment. Savage released a statement saying, “WOI OIIII!”

Football goes missing again

The FA are hoping to speak to Jon Stead (pictured) regarding Football’s disappearance (Photo from Wikipedia: By en:user:TuborgLight – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0,

In what has already proven to be the most tumultuous of seasons, the game of Football has once again disappeared from view in the middle of a set of fixtures.

Having last been seen in London on Sunday evening during Man Utd’s 3-1 win over Tottenham, Robbie Savage and Chris Sutton noted on BBC Radio 5 live that “the game’s gone” after yet another contentious VAR decision. It’s not yet known if this will affect the results following this game, however Sheffield Utd’s caretaker boss Paul Heckingbottom is thought to be considering his options following his side’s 3-0 defeat to Arsenal, where the game was still yet to return.

“I don’t think it’s fair to continue playing the game after the game’s gone,” he told reporters. “It’s affected our players, the game being gone like that. Oli McBurnie got distracted thinking about what crisps were on offer in Tesco. It’s not right.”

Southampton, Everton and Brighton were all unable to locate the game in time for Monday night’s fixtures. It’s not yet known if West Brom scoring three goals in a match against someone other than Chelsea is a sign that the game might come back, or a potential warning that it might not return before the end of the season.

The game has gone missing multiple times this season, after several increasingly ludicrous VAR decisions caused uproar amongst fans and the punditocracy. It quietly returned in time for football to carry on as normal the following weekend, but it’s feared this most recent incident may cause a longer disappearance.

If you have any information regarding the game being gone, please dial 0 and ask for the FA.